I won’t moralise about what I’ve learned but I can tell you this: in my experience, telling the truth can land you in just as much shit—err, crap, as lying. More sometimes. Sure, a lie can trap you; it can crush you immediately or slowly weigh you down until you suffocate. But telling the truth won’t necessarily set you free; it can cost you everything you love the most. And it can force you to face yourself, as painful as that may be.
You know that moment when you feel like you are standing on the edge of paradise,failing to get in? You are at the ledge, just a short step away from falling into that abyss? The cliff that just might act as the last stop of your pitiful existence if you don’t put the brakes fast enough? Or that precipice that just might be the way your death will be recorded for generations to lament? You know that moment when nothing you do seems to be enough? Everything is deemed lacking? You are deemed lacking? That moment when you assume the world to be a happy place, worthy of dramatically beautiful pieces to be written about it, oblivious to the harsh reality, and_boom_the reality hits you in the face? Or that moment when you suddenly realise that there was a different way to go about a problem, or a situation, one which would have actually proved to be the solution? You know these moments? These really soul-wrenching situations you find yourself in? The times when nothing seems to be in your favor? When you are on the verge of losing all hope, but holding onto that last thread? THAT HOLDING ONTO THAT LAST THREAD IS WHAT MATTERS,YOU KNOW. When nothing seems to be as it should have been, when nothing seems to go your way, when nothing seems to be okay, when everything appears to be messed up, when everybody seems screwed up, when nobody looks like they won’t shit on your faith, but you still hold on, even hold onto that last thread? That’s what I am talking about. That’s what life is all about. Holding onto that delicate thread. And holding on tight. Because the moment you master the art that is holding on no matter what, you let go of all the worries and you become…happy. Because you have faith. Because you have hope. Because you have you. Every moment you lose faith,you lose some bit of yourself. But if you hold on, even a little bit, you know you have yourself, if no one else. And that’s what the game’s all about: Having you. Having you in the long run. Having your back. Having yourself. You. Just…you.
I learned a valuable life lesson. Life isn’t about everyone or everything being perfect. It’s about the misadventures, the unplanned madness of losing your luggage and being forced to spend your travel insurance money and going on the best shopping spree ever. It’s about sitting at the fanciest restaurant and seeing a rat run past the table, only to end up at the closest McDonald’s in your formal wear. And it will be perfect. Pretty perfect.
No, I am not an introvert. And no, I am not an extrovert,either. I am a combination of the two,yes. No, I am not shy. But no, I am not THAT outgoing that you can call me outgoing,either. No,I am not stuck up. But I am not the easiest girl to get along with,either. No, I am not antisocial. But I am not a social butterfly, mind you. I can come off as reserved, and arrogant, and proud at first glance. I am. But I am playful, and funny, and I smile frequently, too. I listen. I observe. I think. But I talk,too. I talk a lot. I hate small talk. I hate holding conversations with people who try talking about how it’s not so cold this year while shivering involuntarily and making me cringe with their attempt at small talk. But I can talk non-stop about the mystery that is life. Yes, I love being enveloped in the warmth of home, curled up on my bed with a good book. But I am not against going out to that awesome restaurant you can’t stop talking about, either. Don’t try to order me around. Don’t try to tell me what to do. Don’t start about how I am one stubborn young woman. Don’t tell me how much I need to learn to adjust. Don’t bloody tell me how I am one weird girl because I don’t fit into any of the definite categories you swear by. Because I know that already. Stop being a know-it-all and open your eyes to the world around. I am a weird combination. And I love it. And if you loosen up a bit, you will realise that you just might,too. Your own weird combination,I mean. Not mine. That’s not an easy task. I laugh with a lot of people. I talk to so many of them. But, if I ever called you my friend, in definite words, consider yourself lucky. That’s hard to come by. Very rare. Stop with the introvert and extrovert shit. People weren’t made to fit into these categories. They gotta be one of their kind. They gotta be weird. They gotta be…different. It all can’t be just black and white. There are shades of gray intertwined, yeah? It would be too boring a life,not to mention colorless, otherwise, don’t you think?
Life is not about setting high goals and trying to out-perform everybody else out there. Life is not about trying to please everybody. Life is not about silently suffering when it becomes too damn much. Life is not about getting everything. Life is not about following others. Life is not that at all. Life is too short for all that. Life is about out-doing your own expectations. Life is about trying to be a better person in your own eyes. Life is about taking a stand. Life is about giving everything you have. Life is about making out-of-the-world choices. Life is about being happy. Life is about trying not to have regrets. Life is about dancing in the rain. Life is about singing in the shower. Life is about admiring yourself in the mirror. Life is about smiling at strangers. Life is about crying when it becomes too much to handle. Life is about being humane. Life is about being you. Life is you.
After you’ve been systematically abused, your judgment erodes to the point where it’s nearly impossible to make decisions. Small decisions are as tough as big ones. Even choosing a breakfast cereal seems filled with peril. You are so scared about doing the wrong thing, being blamed and punished for it, you’d rather have someone else take the responsibility. And, the moment you give away your ability to hold that responsibility, you give away your agency. And, an individual without agency is nothing more than a slave to the past. It’s necessary, hence, to hold on to your power to make decisions and take up for it. To take up for yourself. Because that’s what every individual is about: Free will. So, take hold of that bull of the past by the horns and ride the longest 8 seconds of your life. Because once you decide to let go of the past and decide to go with the bull’s movements, you have already won. You are a winner against your own self. And, isn’t that the most important fight?
P.S. It’s been a looooong while since I wrote something. Words had seemed to have abandoned me these past months. I haven’t written anything in almost 4 months. I couldn’t. 2 meaningful lines were A LOT to ask for. I dunno why. I just couldn’t find motivation to write, I guess. But, well, life’s been crazy. Shit happened. And, after hundreds of everyday resolutions of trying to get myself to write these months, I just decided to sit, staring at the wall till I could write again. I wanted to write something extremely positive this new year’s. But, this is all I could come up with. So, make do with this till I can get my mo-positive-jo back.
It was good, trying this writing thing again. I feel good. Really good. And, I am gonna try again. I will try to write. For myself and for everyone else around me because I become a total jerk when I don’t.
A very happy new year’s to all of you out there who haven’t unfollowed me in my absence. And to everybody else, too (I am not that much of a jerk yet, I promise.).
I hope you have a wonderful 2017.💟
P.P.S. All of your comments that are in the ‘waiting for approval’, I will reply as soon as possible. Gimme some time, yeah?
Catch ya soon.💕
The glacial wall had finally cracked. The hard, all-surrounding wall that had throttled the lifeair out of her was finally showing signs of letting her be. Finally, she will be able to step out and spread her wings; wings that had been tied for far too long in her opinion. She liked the mobility. And after this period of total imprisonment in her head without allowing the movement of thoughts around in there, she was craving this fresh air;she was almost desperate for it. She wanted to get out of the confines of her head and explore. Explore the possibilities. Explore herself. Just…explore. She smiled for the first time in weeks. She was ready.
Note:It’s about letting go. It’s about moving on. It’s about living again. It’s about starting new.
Not that it’s any of that for me. For me,it’s about getting free from the confines that your mind puts around thoughts when exams are around. So, yeah.:P
But it can be anything for y’all. It can be something I mentioned above or it can be something entirely different. Just start living again if you have stopped. You will come to appreciate life even more once you do.:)
Note: I read this story not one day ago where tough love proved to be a miraculous remedy to accepting shit and sulking and what not. So, I thought I would try. No offense intended. Just want you all to buck up and…live. Don’t think of killing me if the crude language hurts your eyes(not that shit’s a new word in my vocab. But anyway. Fair warning.). Just thinking of the greater good.*insert winning smile*
You might have accepted your fate. You might have accepted it as your reality, however bitter. You might have not noticed the options you have. You might have embraced the fact that that’s the best it would ever get. But I haven’t. I refuse to. I won’t. Because I know once you stop being a submissive shit and accept the fact that you can fight your way through the ordeal that your life has become, it’s all gonna be rainbows and sunshine. Okay, maybe not that,but yeah. Your life would take a turn for the better. You will realise that there’s something worth living for out there instead of just breathing. You will realise that you can have a great future ahead instead of just being a little shit who’s wasting the precious oxygen and nothing more. You will realise that you are worth a lot more than you could have ever imagined. And you will realise that, even though it isn’t effortless, life just might be beautiful. All you have to do is open your eyes to the possibilities:of fighting, and of living.
WHOEVER TOLD ME life was easy—lied. It’s hard. It sucks. The crazy thing is—nobody has the guts to admit the truth. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a secret. Everyone has a story that needs to be told. Hurt is everywhere; as humans we practically drown in its essence, yet we all pretend like it doesn’t exist. We make believe that everything is fine, when really, everything within us screams in outrage. Our soul pleads for us to be honest at least once in our lives. It begs of us to tell someone. It forces us to become vulnerable to somebody, to trust them with all we have to offer, and the very second that we do, everything seems better.
For a moment, life isn’t as hard as it seems. Effortless. It’s effortless, and then the gauntlet falls.
Change will come. Don’t doubt that, not even for a second. The screams that you have been hearing every single freaking night since those dreadful years will cease. The breaking of glass won’t make you flinch anymore. The ringing in your ears due to the sounds of gunshots fired that night won’t affect you anymore. You won’t feel the need to duck when somebody would put their arm around your shoulders some day. And a day will come when you won’t cringe whenever you hear that sweet nickname you have come to hate. You will stop getting the urge to hurl when somebody would so much as extend their hand for you to shake. Touching somebody and the thought of somebody touching you won’t make your stomach drop one of these days. And you will be able to hold a conversation, all on your own, without going into a panic attack everytime you will be in the limelight. You won’t feel like fleeing everytime you will become the focus, but will be there to clarify and get your point across. Yes, one of these days,you will be able to put your point forth instead of wishing to be swallowed up by earth whenever you will hear people talking shit about your life that they have no idea about. You will be strong one day. You will be okay again. You will change. Things will change. Change will come.
Note:It’s for everybody around who’s ever been a recipient of abuse,physical or mental, at some point in their lives. You all will be okay. Just hold on. Things will change. For the better. For best.