I won’t moralise about what I’ve learned but I can tell you this: in my experience, telling the truth can land you in just as much shit—err, crap, as lying. More sometimes. Sure, a lie can trap you; it can crush you immediately or slowly weigh you down until you suffocate. But telling the truth won’t necessarily set you free; it can cost you everything you love the most. And it can force you to face yourself, as painful as that may be.
New desires to follow through New beginnings and dreams renew Silent understanding of the words few Spoken through only the body cue. The early morning, the glistening dew And the sweet fragrance of lavender new Reminds of the days of the summer crew When everything was sweet, and everybody true.
Memories of you are too many pieces of too many different puzzles. It’s overwhelming. It’s too much. I can’t handle it. All those years we spent together, living in the same house, come to haunt me everytime I see your face on the TV screen. I wish I had done something; said something. Maybe, then I would have been able to stop you from going on this path. Maybe, then I would be able to live with myself; with what I did; with what I let happen even though I knew it would destroy us all. But, I didn’t. Why didn’t I? Maybe I was afraid. I was afraid of what would happen to you. I was afraid of what would happen to us. We only had each other. You and I. I couldn’t have destroyed us. I should have. That selfish decision I took back then is going to be the death of everybody I have always cared about. Including you. Everybody’s gonna die and I am the one to blame. I should have stopped you. I should have done a lot of things I didn’t do. Your symptoms that I missed, all your mistakes that I covered for, all the benefits of doubt I gave you, all the times I was unknowingly a part of your extremist plans…I will have to pay for it. I will have to let you go. I will have to deal with this shit so nobody else dies cuz of my selfishness. I will make sure nobody does. We lived in the same house for years. We lived across the hall, for God’s sake. And I still missed the signs. You did a lot of things that you won’t be able to pay for in a number of lifetimes. But you weren’t alone. You aren’t alone. I was in the background, covering for you. I was unknowingly an extremist, too. I was letting it happen. I am the worst sister ever. Forgive me. I should have reported you. But it’s too late now. I didn’t wanna be alone. I knew if you were gone, I would be left all alone. Not now. I don’t need you anymore. I got a new sister. I will keep her on a tight leash. I won’t let her wander down the wrong path. You can go now. You gotta pay for all the sins you have committed. I am gonna be real easy on you. Don’t worry. It won’t hurt. I will put a bullet right between your eyebrows, and it will be over. Shh calm down. I can’t let this go on. You have to go. You gotta die. And I am going to pull the last trigger. I am going to end it all. I am going to be the end.
~error~ ~fault~ ~protocol breached~ ~reboot~ ~reboot failed~ ~error~
The system gives error? Why does it give error? I am a machine. I am a new machine. I shouldn’t give error. I should run smoothly. Why the error?
Oh he comes. Kill him, #101. Ki…ill h…im. I have been observing for 2 days now. It’s been 6 days since I came into existence. My instructions are to kill him. I don’t want to. Why don’t I? Why don’t I want to follow the instructions? I am #101 and I am ordered to kill him. I am here to kill him. Kill. Him. Noooo!
He’s talking. His eyes are bloodshot, and he’s still beautiful. Is he talking to me?
“Hey, #101. Have you seen Kayla? I gotta find her. She has my phone. I have to try calling Ariana’s number again. Do you have any new information? I can’t just give up. I need her with me. It’s been a week since she went missing. We saw dreams together. We are meant to be forever.”*almost sob*
Ariana. Ari_iana. Flashes. Ariana and Kyle. Kyle and Ariana. The beautiful night sky. Millions of stars. The soft blanket. Talking of dreams. If wishes were stars… ~error~ ~fault~ ~protocol breached~ ~reboot~ ~reboot failed~ ~error~
Kill him. Kill. Him. I am #101, and I am here to kill him.
He’s staring at me expectantly. He looks at me like I am the solution. I stare right back. There’s something familiar about him. Something…mine. No. That’s not right. I am a machine. I follow orders. I am here to ki…ill h…im.
He shakes me by the shoulders and I jerk at the touch as the electricity rushes though my system. I am not supposed to feel. Why do I? How?
He stills when my whole body spasms as the sparks flow through my system. He realises I am a machine. He realises I am not supposed to be shaken. He realises I might shutdown. He lets go and turns to go away. I see a tattoo on the back of his neck. A familiar tattoo. Mi…ine. No. Not mine. But there’s something about it. Something…
He mutters under his breath as he moves away, “If wishes were stars…”
…they would sparkle like your eyes and our wishes we’ll realise.
I still as flashes of my imagination take over. No. Not imagination. Memories. My memories. Memories of Kyle and Ariana. I am Ariana. Ari_iana. And I am here to kill Kyle. I am here to kill him. Ki…ill h…im. Noooooo. I don’t want to kill him. I won’t kill him. ~error~ ~fault~ ~protocol breached~ ~reboot~ ~reboot failed~ ~error~
I am #101, and I am here to kill him.
There is a secret room in our new place. Mommy doesn’t know. It will be mine. That’s so awesome. At 12.
I am gonna bring Danny to my secret hideaway I have been keeping to myself all these years. It will be our little secret. We will party like the older kids. At 17.
Roger and I can go visit my time-out zone and we will talk deeper stuff. He will think I am so mature. He will instantly fall in love with me. At 22.
Mayen. I need to visit my think spot. NOW. I gotta think about it all. I can’t take it anymore. At 22. 2 days later.
I am gonna go sit in there and think about all the pending decisions I have been putting off. I will just go MIA for a few hours. Mom won’t even notice. At 22. 3 days later.
Ugh why do my eyes feel so heavy? And my back is cramped. It’s 3 in the morning!?! Shit. Where did the time go? Where am I? Wait. Have I been in the secret room, sleeping, all this time? Shit. Who’s crying like someone’s dead? Is that mom? I gotta go check. Ow easy, tiger. Cramped muscles suck. Sigh. Now where’s the key? I gotta unlock from the inside. Where are you, stupid key? Ow ow my little toe. Careful, girl. Careful. Deep breath. It must be here. Focus. Why is it so difficult to breathe? Shite. This place is isolated. It’s closed off from all sides. I gotta go out. But where’s the FREAKING KEYYYY!?!?! At 22. 3 days before. Flashback.
In my haste to get in I had left the key right there with my purse,lying in my cupboard. At 22. Present.
I can’t get out. Nobody out there knows I am here. Danny is dead and I never got around to get Roger to discuss deeper stuff. Nobody knows. Nobody. Is my mother crying cuz she can’t find me? Will I never get out? Will I have to spend my whole life here? Why is it so difficult to breathe, dammit? I gotta focus. Crap. Won’t I live long enough to even come up with a plan? These dancing blackspots are so irritating. I am gonna faint. Shit. At 25. Outside world.
The mother is grieving a daughter whose body was never found. She had disappeared in thin air. “Why did she leave? Will I never know.” Sob. Loud gut-wrenching sobs. At 30. Outside world. 7. Yayayay. Our new home has a secret space. Why did the previous owners hide such an awesome detail? Maybe they didn’t know. It will be my little secret. That’s so great.
She was aphrodisiac. I can’t not write about her even though it’s impossible to contain her in words. She breathed like poetry come alive. She smiled like screaming colors. She danced like dew drops on a bright green leaf in the early hours of morning. She moved with the seductive gait of a pretty yet dangerous feline. Her voice was like honey melting in a glass of warm water. Her eyes were so unique-gorgeous hazel with flecks of gold intertwined. When she looked at you the world stopped,earth tilted on its axis. You wanted to lose yourself in her,in her presence. You wanted to surround yourself with the beauty that she was. You wanted her around. You wanted her. Period. But she? She was an illusion of your imagination. She was a living, breathing paradox of the calmness of the ultimate end. She was aphrodisiac.