They say the passage of time will heal all wounds. But the greater the loss, the deeper the cut, and, the more difficult the process to become whole again. The pain may fade but scars serve as a reminder of our suffering. And, the bearer all the more resolved never to be wounded again. We suffer when we don’t want to accept some beloved’s hand in the pain, and we suffer when we don’t want to let go. So, as time moves along, we get lost in the distractions, act out in frustration, react with aggression, give in to anger. And, all the while, we plot and plan as we wait to grow stronger. And, before we know it, the time passes. We are healed, ready to begin anew.
After the last love poem you ever wrote for me, I tried to find the same ethereal beauty in writings of others. They were beautiful. But they weren’t yours. Nobody could write poems like you do. Only ever you.
After the last fight we had, you called me names, I whined and whined, I tried to find the words that would call me silly and still tell me they love me for who I am. No words were the perfect balance of “You are stupid” and “You have a beautiful smile”. Only ever you.
After the final good byes, filled with remorse and tears spilling all over, I tried to find the same hey, beautiful in every greeting, in every hello. None of the words seemed sincere enough. None of them yours. Only ever you.
After the last text you ever sent, I tried to find your mark on everything. I stalked you on your social media accounts, I stalked the kind of music you listen to, I stalked all the words you ever said. It wasn’t you. Only a memory of you. Only ever you.
After the last time I typed your name in the search box and had my fill of your name all over the cursed screen, I thought of texting you once again. Maybe we could make do. Maybe we could work out. I had been too adamant in my refusal to accept you. You had been too insistent our time is now. Maybe you were right. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have listened to you. Only ever you.
After thinking of you for months and months, I suddenly realised I had no more tears left to cry, I had no understanding of poetic words anymore, I found no joy in lovely hellos these days, you haven’t posted on any of your pages in months now, and I knew I was right afterall. This was my wake up call. You had been special, and I had loved you for who I thought you were. Only ever you.
But you weren’t a match for what my mind had conjured over time. Not in the least. You were a figment of my imagination. And, like everything imaginary, it hurt to let you go. You were mine. And, you were beautiful. But you weren’t real.
Those poems were oversent, those hellos overused, those compliments generic, the memories of you meddled with by my need to hold on to the perfection of you a little while longer, and your exclamations of us belonging together as untrue as they come.
It became easier to take a deep breath and it became easier to let you go.
Home is where the love is. Even when you get on their nerves,they love you. When you irritate them like anything, they love you. So,yeah. Home.💚 Home is where family is. Even when you feel all alone,they are there for you. Even when you push everyone away, they are there for you. So,yeah. Home.💚 Home is where the heart is. Even when you live thousands of miles away, your heart lies with your roots. Even when you think you can go far away, your heart pulls you back to exactly where it wants to be. So,yeah. Home.💚
It’s been many days since I left you. I would like to believe I did it for good this time,but we both know I would be lying. It’s not the end,no. It’s not our end. We go way back and I am afraid it would take more than a couple of weeks of torture to sever the ties for forever. I know for a fact that I can move out on you whenever I want to. But as owl city would say, I can never leave. I am stuck with you. And your obsessive possessiveness won’t let go; won’t let me break free of the clutches that’s your grasp on my life. I am just a mere pawn now. You won’t let me leave and I have become too used to your presence to know otherwise now, I guess. I wish I didn’t. I wish it was different. I wish we were different. I wish I was free. But, alas! I can’t escape. I got to accept that bitter reality. It’s bittersweet, really. People want somewhere to belong to. I have that. I have you. I don’t want you. I don’t miss you. I haven’t missed you yet. Only when I stop to think about you, I hate everything about you. And when you stop to think about me,you hate everything about me. Why did I ever love you? Why do you love me? I am stuck with you for a year and a half more. I don’t want to be stuck with you. I don’t want to be near you. There’s so much fish in the water. Take your pick. Just…let me be. I hate you. I hate everything about you. I hate.
Sincerely, A (A student who hates you A student who hates your very face A student who wants to go away from you A student who doesn’t want to belong to you A student who doesn’t appreciate you A student who doesn’t love you)
In case there’s still a doubt left in your mind about who this is addressed to, it’s my college, my course, the city I live in to be “near” these^. That’s who.-.-
This pressure on my head just might kill me. I am coming to realise that now. It just might be the end of me. My doom. And the crazy thing is I know I am the only one responsible for this predicament I am in. This mess of a life I have made it be is my doing. There’s really no one to blame but me. And the thing is,it’s all in my own damn head. I feel like I might go crazy, totally nuts, if I am not relieved of this burden soon. I know that would happen for sure. No way will I come out of this unscathed. One can take only so much. And it will all be ruined. There’s no ifs and buts about this. Neither is there a question of when. It’s only a question of to what extent. Because ruin everything, it will. And it wouldn’t be easy to recover from. Maybe it would be irrecoverable. Yes! That just might be true. I am coming down. That’s the only thing I am sure about right now. It’s over. The game’s over. So am I. Can nobody protect me? None? Am I gonna burn all alone? Maybe I will. I was the one with my hands crossed at my back, making a sympathetic face, when I saw them go down,afterall. I am so over. I don’t wanna continue like this, anyway.
Another birthday. Another year of wisdom added to his already burgeoning load. Another year of loving and being loved. Another year living cocooned in the safety and warmth of the knowledge that HE’S my papa. Another year spent enveloped in care, and strength, and happiness, and, ofcourse, love. He’s the best father. But he’s theBESTEST papa in the whole damn world.❤
This was written when it stuck me out of nowhere in econometrics class that it’s her birthday. My grandma’s. My amma’s. So there are chances you might not be able to make out words which I have scribbled. And ignore the ink smudges,ofcourse.
I had wanted to wish you a happy birthday by calling you at exactly 12 like I did last year. But I had hoped that you wouldn’t ask me to cut the phone after a minute like last time when you were so eager to tal k to your boyfriend that you couldn’t wait for me to put the phone down. You weren’t the only friend of mine who had a bf. I had seen others who have bfs, interact with their friends on their birthdays like their calls meant everything to them. I didn’t say anything about it to you,though. I had left it in the past. But it came back again when your birthday rolled around. Annnnd,I realised that because of your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, to be precise, we couldn’t talk this year. Again. Ah!The irony. He’s no longer a part of your life and he’s still here. Everytime. Everyday. I am not writing this to hurt you or anything warped like that. This wasn’t my intention. I had hoped that you would give your number to me atleast on your birthday. Annd,I had thought I would write you a big-ass birthday message like I do on everybody’s birthday recollecting the wonderful memories I have had with that person. But obviously that’s not how it turned out,did it now?*dry smirk* I didn’t get your number and I decided to try this new thing I have been trying in my life where I don’t keep anything inside. I spill it out to the person concerned and be done with it. Because I know there isn’t big enough space to keep the hate,and resentment,and friendship all together. I say what I want to so there are no hard feelings. I don’t burn inside that way, thinking about who did what to me. I say it to their face and be done with it. Ironic,really. “To your face…”. Seriously! And also this clicked in my mind that as I am writing this,it isn’t even your birthday now. So,I am not trying to protect your “feelings” by being all mushy mushy and shit. I am being truthful. And you do need to hear this. This is necessary.*Nods* We have been friends for so long,P*****(I am not gonna call you **. It was a nickname I gave to my friend. Not to you). So,as I was saying,we have been friends for so long. And we, like everybody else, have had ups and downs in our friendship. We fought a lot. And then we made up. We laughed and we cried. We were tensed about studies. And we were excited about trips. And I realised that we needed to come a complete circle, like every relationship in this world. We have gone from being strangers to friends to good friends to talk-once-in-a-while friends to strangers again. Strangers who have no freaking idea what has gone down in each other’s lives. That’s what we are. Exactly what we are:STRANGERS. P***** *******,you were a friend once. Do you think we can call each other that now? Do you know anything about me?Anything,anymore? I am gonna send you a “birthday” message through K***,for God’s sake! Is that what we have really become? Really? You can talk to other people. But when it comes to me,uncle might check?*snorts* I am cool with that,you know. I am,really. It’s your decision who you wanna defy your father for. But I needed to say this. Because I needed closure. Closure is required in friendships,too, you know. I am not suggesting that we can’t be friends again. I am just saying that it is you who needs to make the first move now. I am tired. Of everything. And I am tired of making efforts. I need others to take initiative now. I am not complaining,but just trying to be honest again. And forward. Mumma told me your Facebook was active on your birthday, at night. When I checked,it was deactivated again,I guess. But that’s good,in a way. I wouldn’t have said anything I am saying now on FB. And you needed to hear me say this all once. Atleast that’s what I believe. You are entitled to your own opinion. Obviously. I always allow others the option to have their own opinions and viewpoints. So if you think I am talking bullshit, that’s cool. I just don’t give a shit right now. This was supposedly a birthday message. And I thought of writing this like a normal birthday message for a friend. But once I started,I couldn’t stop myself from saying all I wanted to say to you. I guess, that’s it for now. Sooo, A BEALTED HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY, P*****! Hope you have a wonderful life ahead.(I am not being sarcastic here. I am saying that genuinely.)
P.S. I did a post titled HOW ARE YOU which talked about the various emotions people try to hide,i.e.,the unhappy,sad kinda emotions. A couple of people, namely Jo and Abhijit, wanted me to do a post which was a collection of positive,happy emotions. This post is not only a collection of emotions but stuff which gives me happiness:A word,a phenomenon, an action, a thing, or an emotion; anything. I dunno about everybody else,but this is my happy collection. 🙂
What’s yours?*raises her brows expectantly*