in a glass
of warm water
with a drop of
like church bells
in a glass
of warm water
with a drop of
like church bells
1. His arms around your waist, holding tight.
2. The scent of giddy expectations all over your body.
3. The promises of being by your side, sometimes forever, sometimes for just a moment.
4. The feeling of being whole the morning after.
5. The little pecks all over your being.
6. The smile that never leaves your face.
7. The need to shout from the top of a high rise about how wonderful he is.
8. The discovery of feelings you never thought you would have.
9. The stars in your eyes when you think of him.
10. The comfort in the silence as you lay in each other’s arms.
11. The need to write poems about his crooked smile and his deep, beautiful eyes.
P.S. This one came back after being MIA for 4 days. So.
After you’ve been systematically abused, your judgment erodes to the point where it’s nearly impossible to make decisions. Small decisions are as tough as big ones. Even choosing a breakfast cereal seems filled with peril. You are so scared about doing the wrong thing, being blamed and punished for it, you’d rather have someone else take the responsibility. And, the moment you give away your ability to hold that responsibility, you give away your agency. And, an individual without agency is nothing more than a slave to the past. It’s necessary, hence, to hold on to your power to make decisions and take up for it. To take up for yourself. Because that’s what every individual is about: Free will. So, take hold of that bull of the past by the horns and ride the longest 8 seconds of your life. Because once you decide to let go of the past and decide to go with the bull’s movements, you have already won. You are a winner against your own self.
And, isn’t that the most important fight?
P.S. It’s been a looooong while since I wrote something. Words had seemed to have abandoned me these past months. I haven’t written anything in almost 4 months. I couldn’t. 2 meaningful lines were A LOT to ask for. I dunno why. I just couldn’t find motivation to write, I guess. But, well, life’s been crazy. Shit happened. And, after hundreds of everyday resolutions of trying to get myself to write these months, I just decided to sit, staring at the wall till I could write again. I wanted to write something extremely positive this new year’s. But, this is all I could come up with. So, make do with this till I can get my mo-positive-jo back.
It was good, trying this writing thing again. I feel good. Really good. And, I am gonna try again. I will try to write. For myself and for everyone else around me because I become a total jerk when I don’t.
A very happy new year’s to all of you out there who haven’t unfollowed me in my absence. And to everybody else, too (I am not that much of a jerk yet, I promise.).
I hope you have a wonderful 2017.💟
P.P.S. All of your comments that are in the ‘waiting for approval’, I will reply as soon as possible. Gimme some time, yeah?
Catch ya soon.💕
Well Well Well
If this isn’t a Surprise.
Just two days ago I made a post about receiving 50 followers on WordPress. That was quite an achievement for me as this blogging business is a separate part of my life.No one, and I stress NO ONE, from the outer world knows about my blog.Not even a single soul.So,I was quite a bit happy when the numbers reached 50.
But this?This is freaking awesome, man!I have surpassed the “100” mark in just two days! That means more than 50 follows in 2 days!
It feels fictional to me.My feelings are all over the place right now.I never expected to gain any readers when I started blogging a couple of months ago.
And now?I cannot imagine life without you all.
You people have become, like a family to me (and let me tell you my family is fabulous, FABULOUS. So you all are, too!). Haha
All of you are amazing, people!
And I am thankful for it.
So…a big freaking THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Eventually, you will find a real place that feels like home.Your whole world will open up in ways you kept believing were possible.And you will be so happy you held on long enough to make it there. So,let’s do this thing.Let’s own what makes us unique. Let’s refuse to allow haters to stop us from moving forward. Let’s turn our dreams into reality. Starting now.
That too,in a couple of months!
Well,that’s a total surprise!
I mean,as I have mentioned time and again,I started this blog because of my need for introspection.To vent out,to babble,to talk nonsense,to write anything ,everything, whatever.I have mentioned so many times that I am not writing this blog for anyone else’s pleasure,but mine.It’s not in my nature to share things and express my feelings with anyone.Trust issues,remember?
But still…you people have connected with me,my blog and have liked, and commented on my idiotic stuff.Thank you so much.Thank you so much for it all.
You all are awesome!
Spring is here.There are flowers all around. Colorful ones.Beautiful ones.They are a treat to the eyes.I mean,my balcony and front yard are filled with flowers, which I can see all day long and yet, not get tired of it.
Some plants are sprouting buds which would lead to,wait for it,yes,more FLOWERS.
Some are red;some pink,fuchsia, white.And all are pretty.No color discrimination,whatsoever.
The spring flowers are,afterall, supposed to be beautiful.
But the coming of spring doesn’t,in any way,ensure beauty all around.Just like having happiness doesn’t ensure that you wouldn’t have to endure pain.Because you would.Eventually. That happiness would vanish and in its place, would come despair.Because that’s what life is about.VARIETY.Every freaking variety, you have to endure.
The pool of happiness dries and you are left with the drying petals of despair.
And pain.Yes.Sometimes, we live in the illusion that the happiness would prevail forever and ever.But it doesn’t.
Just like these flowers.They were once pretty.But right now?They are drying and would doon be nothing more than a dead, brown matter.Yes,that’s what they would be.
But but but.There comes hope.Because we cannot write a piece about happiness and pain, and not have hope come in and play the hero, now can we?
Yes.There’s always hope,just like every other “variety”.It comes out to play eventually.When you feel that you cannot bear the pain,despair anymore,you are hit with hope.Hope.It’s always there.Atleast,that’s my opinion.
In the same way,the flowers sprout buds again,and again,and again.And the beauty doesn’t vanish.No.It just might diminish for a while, but eventually,it returns.Full force.
Or more than full force.
And it’s breathtaking.Even more so.Because after pain,the happiness feels multiple folds better.
So,I actually had no intentions of writing something so close to my heart so early in my blogging experience.But,well,I guess,what’s meant to be will always find its way.A thing after another lead me to pour it all out without any delays.A friend of mine told me that her grandfather expired the day before;I came to my place and plugged in my headphones while simultaneously falling onto my bed,and guess what?The first song that blasted through my head headphones was…?Yeah?Hello heartache,ofcourse.And then I read a blog about death and loss.
So,yeah,I couldn’t keep it all in anymore.I just had to get it all out.And that’s exactly why I have started blogging in the first place,isn’t it?To get it all out?So,ofcourse,I decided to write.
It’s been almost three long years since she died.My rock.The person who loved me unconditionally, no matter what.My inspiration.My grandmother…my amma. Yes,she has been dead for three long years and it still hurts like hell.literally.My amma was one of the strongest person I have ever known.She lost her husband to the third heart attack which he couldn’t endure,and she still survived.Her home split,and she still survived.Her youngest daughter came home after she couldn’t take her failing marriage anymore,and she still survived. Yes,in my world,she was one of the strongest.She loved with a passion we only dream about.
A beauty of her times,she was still gorgeous when I came to know her.With creamy skin,waist length pepper and salt hair and deep deep eyes,she was breathtaking.Not only in the physical sense,but every other sense as well.Whenever I visited with her,I felt energised in a way I can’t explain. You know,it was like she yeilded some silent magick. Her family was what meant most to her.Always.
She loved all her grandkids,but I was her favorite.We were the closest. You see,it was that unbreakable bond we had,which nothing could ever break.She told me all about her olden days,and we laughed while reading the newspaper headlines which weren’t funny in the least.We loved the same dessert,the same cookies,the same…almost everything.
The news of her passing away came just after the day my tenth standard exams got over.I hadn’t met her in quite a while due to my studies,and had plans to go meet her the very next morning.The next morning I had been woken up by my maid telling me amma was no more.I hadn’t quite believed my ears.I thought she said something else by mistake.Because she couldn’t die,you know.Afterall,we had plans.She couldn’t go without saying goodbye.She just had a heart attack in her sleep,and now she was no More?Not possible,I had said.I mean,she had been a constant in my life forever.She couldn’t just…go.My mother had come and taken me into her arms and only when I felt wetness had I realised that I was crying.Bawling, was more like it.And I couldn’t stop.Till I couldn’t cry anymore.
It was then time to go,say goodbye to her.The moment I went through the door,had I realised that I wasn’t the only one who loved her.There were many more who,if not more,loved her as much as I did.And we all were in this together.We would help each other in our grief and make it all easier.And we did.I didn’t cry anymore that day because I knew that the place she was in was far more beautiful and peaceful then any place we have ever been to.And she was, or would be,eventually,happy there.And a day would come when we would be happy again.Eventually,if not immediately.Recovering was a time taking process.
Overtime,I have come to realise that people leave,no matter how hard you try to hold onto them.They eventually reach that final destination no matter how much you try to stop them.And you never stop loving them,no matter how far away they go.In the few months after she was gone,even the slightest of things triggered a memory which would fill my eyes with tears.And I let them fall freely.Over the time,the pain faded quite a bit and the beautiful memories were what remained at the foremost.And yeah.I even came to terms with the regret I had of not being able to say goodbye.Because maybe she just wanted me to remember her like the last time I saw her:happy,healthy.And even though I miss her all the time,and I know she can’t be present by my side all the time in flesh,I know she’s there with me every second of everyday…in my heart.
And in the end,that’s all that actually matters,you know.The memories we make,the love we have,and yeah,the way we choose to live our lives.I made a pretty good decision,I think.I chose the love and the memories over the regret…because if I had chosen otherwise,I would still be living in the past,with the ghost of tomorrow lurking over my head,and heart,and dragging me under with the weight of it…N I would just be filled with sadness and grief.And, ofcourse she wouldn’t want that,would she??