Solamente un déjà vu que nunca llega a su final.
Yada Yada: STEREOTYPES.I wonder if the cheerleader feels it. When the music stops and everyone goes home? When the day is gone and she doesn’t have anyone to entertain herself with? When she removes her makeup, taking off her brave face for the day, do the demons she keeps buried start playing with her when there’s no one else to play with?
I guess not. Narcissists don’t have insecurities, right?
Must be nice.
Toodles!
~A♥~
The unruly hair
The messed up face
The cracked voice
The broken nails
The soiled blouse
The torn pants
The welting bruise
The dirty hands
The sweet smile
The dark skin
The twinkling eyes
The shy trim
The pretty girl
The gorgeous ways
The wonderful mind
The golden rays…
Toodles!
~A♥~
There it was again.The meanness.The “jerk” side of her.The answering back.She was becoming meaner by the day,without even a hint of her bad attitude receding.She was being a shitty person to the person she loved the most,and she knew it.But she couldn’t stop.She couldn’t get herself to reign-in her mean streak. She cared, but she just…couldn’t.Even time she tried to her help her;tried to tell her that what she was doing wasn’t right;tried to tell her she was hurting her own self,she became meaner.She hurt her.She talked back to her.She wanted to tell her that she knew what she was doing.She didn’t need constant looking over.But she was wrong. So wrong.She might have grown up physically, but she was so immature. So damn immature, she couldn’t even take a single decision in her life.She needed her help.She needed her to approve. She needed her to tell her that whatever she was doing was all fine.And the thing is,she blamed it on her.She made it up in her mind that it was all her fault.She was the villain.She was the one responsible for all the shit in her life.She herself wasn’t to be blamed for any shit. The shit-storm that was her life, was all her fault.Her.The one person in her life that was the most important to her.The person she loved the most.The person she looked up to.The person who was always there for her,no matter what.Whether it was the dark of the night,or dawn, or noon,or whatever,she was there.Always.She realised that.She remembered it all.She could see it all.And yet,she couldn’t stop.She didn’t want to hurt her,but she wanted her hurting.She wanted her to realise that she couldn’t keep on living like that. She wanted her to realise that she was getting itchy in her own skin.She wanted her to realise that she was dying inside.She wanted her to see that what she was going through, wasn’t just teenage drama,but an avalanche which was going to drown her if unchecked.She wanted her to realise that.And she wanted her to come to her rescue as she always had.She wanted her to help her.She wasn’t happy with her life.She was freaking crying all the time,for god’s sake! People didn’t cry all the time for no reason. Something was up.And she wanted her to see that.Only her.Her saviour.Her protector.Her helper.Her dearest.Her…
She was the only one who could help her.The only one.Why couldn’t she see the tornado swirling in her eyes?The unease in her movements?Her tired eyes?Her mess of a life?She had to.She would have to.She was the only hope.The only one who could help her.The only one…
Toodles!
~A♥~
I walked down the dirt road,the gravel crunching under my feet.The memory rushed back to me like it was yesterday.Walking on the same road,hand in hand,laughing at the silly joke she had just cracked.Her long dark hair flowing in the wind, like a smooth curtain.Mine an entangled mass of brown-black messy curls.Her skin a glowing tan, from all the sun we have been getting lately.Mine tanned brown without even a hint of the tan receding.I hated how my skin tanned so easily.I hated how hers didn’t.She was talking non-stop about the shopping spree she had been on, with her new college friends.I?I had waited all this time to spend those few bucks I could spare, to go shopping with her.She was a hit with her college buddies.I was the loser.I am a loser.We were at the riverbank.She was still speaking.I couldn’t hear a single word she said.All I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears.I felt a deep sense of betrayal in that moment.It wasn’t fair.She didn’t get to live the life I was always meant to have.It was my dream!She stole it.No,I couldn’t take this anymore.She was still blabbering about the places she visited in her college town.I was planning to push her into the fast flowing river.I wanted to get rid of her. Any which way.She had to go.Away from here.Away from me.Away…
Reality took over.I had reached the river bank.The same one.I fell to my knees and started wailing.What had I planned to do?!What was I going to do that day?!
I didn’t.I couldn’t.I just couldn’t get myself to do it.The turmoil swirling inside of me that day was ready to drown me.She didn’t even notice.I realised we had changed.On fundamental level.What she had done to me to get the future I was destined for,paled in comparison to what life held in store for me.What she had done all those years ago was wrong.So wrong.But what I had planned on doing was downright evil.I wasn’t evil.I had a conscience, unlike her.She never thought I would know. She was wrong.So so wrong.I knew it from the beginning. I knew it all.
This,coming back here,was the closure I needed.To get on with my life.To move on.My sobs subsided, and I wiped my face clean of the residue of my pain and self-loathing.I was free.I had done nothing.I wasn’t evil.I was me.I was FREE.I stared at the rushing water for a little bit more.Then,I got up and started walking back.Back to my new life.To my awaiting life I had put on hold because I couldn’t get over the past.I was done living in the past.I was free.I am me.
Toodles!
~A♥~
I was FURIOUS.
I was irrational.
I was out of control.
And I was in pain.
Toodles!
~A♥~
I believe that,with age comes wisdom .When you have taken shit from the world,when you have tolerated tremendous amounts of pain and hurt,when you have faced troubles head-on,when you have had your share of joy, only then can you claim to be wise.Because experience teaches you:To be happy in the face of calamity.To smile when nothing seems to go right.To laugh when someone else needs a ray of light.To cry when you feel like it.To own up to shit you are responsible for.To be proud of your achievements.To be proud of others.The Wise have been through it all;they have seen it all;they have faced it all.
And, here I am,with just 18 years of “experience” trying to pretend to know something about life.Well,let me tell you very clearly,I don’t think I have a right to talk about shit, I have no experience with, as if I have any idea.As if I have been through it.But I do it anyway. Because my work as a human is to try to share my bit of knowledge;to give advice as I have heard it,as I have seen it.Because,you never know when that passed on advice might help someone.
I am not a wannabe. I am just an 18 year old, who believes that whatever ways she can help in,she should, without worrying about the consequences ;the impacts.Maybe I’m wrong to think that way,but that’s just how it is for me.I make no apologies for who I am or for the way I am.And I don’t plan to start anytime soon. (Remember?)
Toodles!
~A♥~
I really hate turning corners.
I hate closed doors.
I hate not seeing the path ahead.
I hate pretense.
I hate hypocrisy.
I hate uncertainty.
I hate.
Toodles!
~A♥~
“It is easier to forgive an
enemy than to forgive a
friend.”
~William Blake
Toodles!
~A♥~
An excerpt from my all time favorite novel,”BULLY”,is sure to leave you overwhelmed and emotional.A beautiful novel about friendships, betrayal,revenge and love:rekindled.
The protagonist buries the hurt deep in her heart for such a long time,that, when she comes to the realisation that it all needs to be brought out in the open,leaving her vulnerable, this is how it all spills out in front of the reason for her misery:Jared.Her friend.Her love.Her tormentor.Her bully.
“I like storms,”I started.”Thunder,torrential rains,puddles,wet shoes.When the clouds roll in,I get filled with this giddy expectation.”
“Everything is more beautiful in the rain.Don’t ask me why.”I shrugged. “But it’s like this whole other realm of opportunity.I used to feel like a superhero,riding my bike over the dangerously slick roads,or maybe an Olympic athlete enduring rough trials to make it to the finish line.”
My smile spread with the memories.Memories of Jared and me.
“On sunny days,as a girl,I could still wake up to that thrilled feeling.You made me giddy with expectation,just like a symphonic rainstorm.You were a tempest in the sun,the thunder in a boring,cloudless sky.”
“I remember I would shovel in my breakfast as fast as I could,so I could go knock on your door.We’d play all day,only coming home for food and sleep.We played hide and seek,you’d push me on the swing,or we’d climb trees.Being your sidekick gave me a sense of home again.”
I exhaled,finally relaxing, and my eyes drifted over to meet his.I saw him breathing hard,almost as if he was frozen.Stay with me, Jared.
“You see,”my eyes stayed on him,”when I was 10,my mom died.She had cancer, and I lost her before I really knew her.My world felt so insecure, and I was scared. You were the person that turned things right again.With you,I became courageous and free.It was like the part of me that died with my mom came back when I met you,and I didn’t hurt anymore.Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.”Pools of tears filled my eyes as the class leaned in to listen to me.
“Then one day,out of the blue,I lost you, too.The hurt returned,and I felt sick when I saw you hating me.My rainstorm was gone,and you became cruel.There was no explanation. You were just gone.And my heart was ripped open.I missed you.I missed my mom.”My voice cracked,and I didn’t wipe away the tear that fell.
“What was worse than losing you was when you started to hurt me.Your words and actions made me hate coming to school.They made me uncomfortable in my own home.”I swallowed, and the knot in my chest loosened.
“Everything still hurts,but I know none of it is my fault.There are a lot of words I could use to describe you,but the one that covers sad,miserable,angry and pitiful is ‘coward’.In a year,I will be gone,and you will be nothing but some washout whose height of existence was in high school.”My eyes were still on Jared,and my voice grew strong again.The ache in my face from trying to hold back tears, eased.”You were my tempest,my thunder cloud, my tree in the downpour.I loved all those things,and I loved you.But now?You are a freaking drought.I thought that all assholes drove German cars, but it turns out that pricks in Mustangs can still leave scars.”
Toodles!
~A♥~
So…last night,some relevations took place which completely blew my mind.Aaaand,not in a good way.Some secrets were revealed,trust broken,and yeah,loads of justified (I guess) anger boiled over to the surface like hot lava trying to find some cracks to get out.More or less.Secrets which were kept locked up in an old trunk, in her mind,for more than two months, until now.Yes,she revealed the secrets.Finally.
You know,sometimes people you trust the most,hurt you in the worst way imaginable.You trust them with all your dirty little secrets,and they spill them over a coke…or a coffee…or whatever.Well that’s so not the case with me!Not actually.You see,I didn’t actually trust her.Not because I am judgemental or anything.But because she actually had given me reasons not to!And I never told her any of my “dirty little secrets“.Because I don’t actually have any(not many,I promise!).
We weren’t friends,no.Our first impressions weren’t very good,you see.We were just civil.We talked just for the sake of it.Oh yes,we do have topics to talk about.loads actually.We have similar taste in music,we read similar books and yeah, sometimes we pretend to talk about deeper stuff when we are actually talking nonsense.And yes,’we understand each other so well ‘.Her words, not mine.’I am a Messed up version of you’,she says.No,she is so not.No,she is not my friend.
She is multi-faced.Yes.I have seen quite a few of those in the six or so months that we have lived together.She tries to hide it, but sometimes I see too much.Her mask is not as opaque as she seems to believe.No,it’s translucent actually.Not transparent, but yes,translucent.
I tolerated her before.I hate her now.Hate,with a capital H.Yes,I do hate her.We aren’t hateful to each other,but I know what goes under that sugercoated, sweet talking exterior.I have seen that hateful side one too many times.Not directed at me,ofcourse.Never me.But I am the most hated person on her list, probably.No,we are not FRIENDS.
She is a conceited, hateful person.This is not me talking.It’s her actions talking.I don’t actually know if her actions can be justified… Or if someone else could be blamed.Conceit doesn’t bode well with me.The end.No matter the person,no way.And even if I didn’t hate her,she could never be my friend.Ever.
SHE.IS.SO.NOT.MY.FRIEND.
Toodles!
~A♥~
