I wonder if the cheerleader feels it. When the music stops and everyone goes home? When the day is gone and she doesn’t have anyone to entertain herself with? When she removes her makeup, taking off her brave face for the day, do the demons she keeps buried start playing with her when there’s no one else to play with?
I guess not. Narcissists don’t have insecurities, right?
The unruly hair The messed up face The cracked voice The broken nails The soiled blouse The torn pants The welting bruise The dirty hands The sweet smile The dark skin The twinkling eyes The shy trim The pretty girl The gorgeous ways The wonderful mind The golden rays…
There it was again.The meanness.The “jerk” side of her.The answering back.She was becoming meaner by the day,without even a hint of her bad attitude receding.She was being a shitty person to the person she loved the most,and she knew it.But she couldn’t stop.She couldn’t get herself to reign-in her mean streak. She cared, but she just…couldn’t.Even time she tried to her help her;tried to tell her that what she was doing wasn’t right;tried to tell her she was hurting her own self,she became meaner.She hurt her.She talked back to her.She wanted to tell her that she knew what she was doing.She didn’t need constant looking over.But she was wrong. So wrong.She might have grown up physically, but she was so immature. So damn immature, she couldn’t even take a single decision in her life.She needed her help.She needed her to approve. She needed her to tell her that whatever she was doing was all fine.And the thing is,she blamed it on her.She made it up in her mind that it was all her fault.She was the villain.She was the one responsible for all the shit in her life.She herself wasn’t to be blamed for any shit. The shit-storm that was her life, was all her fault.Her.The one person in her life that was the most important to her.The person she loved the most.The person she looked up to.The person who was always there for her,no matter what.Whether it was the dark of the night,or dawn, or noon,or whatever,she was there.Always.She realised that.She remembered it all.She could see it all.And yet,she couldn’t stop.She didn’t want to hurt her,but she wanted her hurting.She wanted her to realise that she couldn’t keep on living like that. She wanted her to realise that she was getting itchy in her own skin.She wanted her to realise that she was dying inside.She wanted her to see that what she was going through, wasn’t just teenage drama,but an avalanche which was going to drown her if unchecked.She wanted her to realise that.And she wanted her to come to her rescue as she always had.She wanted her to help her.She wasn’t happy with her life.She was freaking crying all the time,for god’s sake! People didn’t cry all the time for no reason. Something was up.And she wanted her to see that.Only her.Her saviour.Her protector.Her helper.Her dearest.Her… She was the only one who could help her.The only one.Why couldn’t she see the tornado swirling in her eyes?The unease in her movements?Her tired eyes?Her mess of a life?She had to.She would have to.She was the only hope.The only one who could help her.The only one…
I walked down the dirt road,the gravel crunching under my feet.The memory rushed back to me like it was yesterday.Walking on the same road,hand in hand,laughing at the silly joke she had just cracked.Her long dark hair flowing in the wind, like a smooth curtain.Mine an entangled mass of brown-black messy curls.Her skin a glowing tan, from all the sun we have been getting lately.Mine tanned brown without even a hint of the tan receding.I hated how my skin tanned so easily.I hated how hers didn’t.She was talking non-stop about the shopping spree she had been on, with her new college friends.I?I had waited all this time to spend those few bucks I could spare, to go shopping with her.She was a hit with her college buddies.I was the loser.I am a loser.We were at the riverbank.She was still speaking.I couldn’t hear a single word she said.All I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears.I felt a deep sense of betrayal in that moment.It wasn’t fair.She didn’t get to live the life I was always meant to have.It was my dream!She stole it.No,I couldn’t take this anymore.She was still blabbering about the places she visited in her college town.I was planning to push her into the fast flowing river.I wanted to get rid of her. Any which way.She had to go.Away from here.Away from me.Away… Reality took over.I had reached the river bank.The same one.I fell to my knees and started wailing.What had I planned to do?!What was I going to do that day?! I didn’t.I couldn’t.I just couldn’t get myself to do it.The turmoil swirling inside of me that day was ready to drown me.She didn’t even notice.I realised we had changed.On fundamental level.What she had done to me to get the future I was destined for,paled in comparison to what life held in store for me.What she had done all those years ago was wrong.So wrong.But what I had planned on doing was downright evil.I wasn’t evil.I had a conscience, unlike her.She never thought I would know. She was wrong.So so wrong.I knew it from the beginning. I knew it all. This,coming back here,was the closure I needed.To get on with my life.To move on.My sobs subsided, and I wiped my face clean of the residue of my pain and self-loathing.I was free.I had done nothing.I wasn’t evil.I was me.I was FREE.I stared at the rushing water for a little bit more.Then,I got up and started walking back.Back to my new life.To my awaiting life I had put on hold because I couldn’t get over the past.I was done living in the past.I was free.I am me.
I believe that,with age comes wisdom .When you have taken shit from the world,when you have tolerated tremendous amounts of pain and hurt,when you have faced troubles head-on,when you have had your share of joy, only then can you claim to be wise.Because experience teaches you:To be happy in the face of calamity.To smile when nothing seems to go right.To laugh when someone else needs a ray of light.To cry when you feel like it.To own up to shit you are responsible for.To be proud of your achievements.To be proud of others.The Wise have been through it all;they have seen it all;they have faced it all.
And, here I am,with just 18 years of “experience” trying to pretend to know something about life.Well,let me tell you very clearly,I don’t think I have a right to talk about shit, I have no experience with, as if I have any idea.As if I have been through it.But I do it anyway. Because my work as a human is to try to share my bit of knowledge;to give advice as I have heard it,as I have seen it.Because,you never know when that passed on advice might help someone.
I am not a wannabe. I am just an 18 year old, who believes that whatever ways she can help in,she should, without worrying about the consequences ;the impacts.Maybe I’m wrong to think that way,but that’s just how it is for me.I make no apologies for who I am or for the way I am.And I don’t plan to start anytime soon. (Remember?)