Ghosts blew through the deserted corridors of his soul like gusts of cold wind. His eyes. It looked like nothing resided in those icy blue globes. But for a fleeting second I saw whole universe swimming in there. Then the shutters dropped as if it never was. That half-grin of his was just that –a wry twist of his lips, trying to hide the real beauty behind it. It was nothing like his real smile. That was a breathtaking sight. When he smiled, people stopped and stared. But he didn’t do it often. No. It was as if he was afraid of smiling; as if the reason behind it would be taken away from him if he showed even a sign that he was a normal, lovable person. He acted like an emotionless, ice-hearted asshole who only did what he wanted to without giving a shit about anyone. But, I saw the truth. I saw that he was a guy with heart of gold and most colorful mind.
As she obsessively traced the checkered print of black and red on her bedsheets, the smell wafting off of the pillow, musky and wild, she was transported back to the time when his laughter had soothed all her wounds and he was all the painkillers she needed; before he broke her soul into a thousand little pieces, and cramped a handful into his jeans pocket as he walked out the door.
She told me she would die for me. She told me she loved me like a sister. She told me we would be best friends forever. She told me we were girl friend Soulmates. She told me we had a special bond. She told me I understood her like no other. She told me we would get cute,little cottages side by side,facing a sea. She told me we would marry the same day,in the same temple. She told me we would have a handsome boy and a pretty girl we would someday call our own. She told me we would have a cute, little dog. She told me we would have a happy ending. She told me there’s a silver lining. She told me there was light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel. She told me there was a supreme power called God. She told me there was something known as faith. She told me there was peace. She told me it’s serene. She told me there was justice. She told me there’s passion. She told me it burns. She told me there’s bliss. She told me there’s truth. She told me it’s ecstatic. She told me it’s death quiet. She told me there’s silence. Was all this a lie? Was she lying all the time? Was it all burning flames? Was all this a trap? Was all this just a means to an end? Was it all “telling lies”?Was it? Was it? Was it?
He was my high. He was my life. He made me feel drunk on life. With him at my side, I felt unconquerable. I was indestructible. Nothing could touch me. Nobody could harm me. He would protect me. He would stand in harm’s way before he let anything happen to me. He adored the hell outta me. Ah,the illusions! Beautiful, deceiving illusions. I had this thought inside my head for as long as I have had my senses:When he was there, not even Satan could touch me. The moment he left, it would all fall apart. And fall apart, it did. Atleast half my theory turned out to be true. The wry smile twisted my full lips. How I had loved to kid myself all these years. Running away from the sick reality that has always been my life. It was a front. He,like every other freaking person,was using me. I was just a pawn in the sick,twisted game of chess he had been playing all along with his opponent as life. A bug under his feet. He disgusts me now!Even the thought of him makes me wanna retch. I throw up a little in my mouth whenever I think about the stupid, naïve, good for nothing wench I had always been when he was around. I was so trusting, then!Not now. Not anymore! I won’t let another little girl live her life under such illusions. I am going to dedicate my life towards outing all the bloody jerks so another innocent heart never gets crushed under the boot of a classic manipulator. I will bring this soul-crushing reality to the notice of all who are living this fake happily-ever-after they assume to be their life. I will see to it,even if it’s the last thing I do.
P getting excited about Mrs.S’s cookies made a helluva lot more sense now. He always took some home to the boys and his baby sister now that she had teeth. He had this life, too. But he had us. This gorgeous girl didn’t have anyone. She hadn’t had anyone. She did now. “We both like cereal. She won’t admit it, but sugar flakes are her favorite. They’re mine, too,but I lie and eat the cinnamon squares and leave the flakes for her. I know she likes them best.” I was wrong. She had K. She had her brother.
The lethal but beautiful cocktail of the swirling emotions,delicious scents and the swoonworthy softness of my blank mind floating in the innocent, fluffy clouds was enough to screw me over. I had no recollection of how I came to be here. None,whatsoever. But if I wasn’t frigging delighted to have come across this utopic blend! I had always craved such bizarre,yet satisfying concoctions. But this is the first time I have actually achieved the high I have been craving for heaven knows how long. This makes the pain bearable. It makes this shit of a life seem not so bad. It makes the idea of living without ever seeing his face again, not hearing his cracking deep voice ever,not being able to envelope him in the warmth of my arms, cross my mind without me trying to tear the brown tangled mess straight out of my skull. It makes everything around me seem surreal and everything that goes inside my head seem like a distant memory of the ugly past I want to forget. I want to forget. All of this. Everything. They say that the happy memories are all that matter. I say, bullshit!The memories, good and bad,go hand in hand. With happiness comes pain. And I am not ready to face it. Not yet. The pain’s still too raw. I am still getting used to it. But maybe it’s all just a shitload of crappy excuses. Maybe this pain would never fade away. Maybe it would always be there,making breathing difficult like a thorn in my chest. Maybe I would never be whole again. I would always be an addict,my addiction being the messed up “cocktail” I crave. Like a junkie looking for his next hit,I start moving on unsteady legs. I cannot live like this. I wanna be high on life like I always had been before. I want to let go of all my inhibitions and let loose. I wanna get away,inside my head where nothing resembling pain exists and I am a happy woman without a phantom son to bind me to reality.
The moment she looked up,she was lost. She never expected to get here. In the distance stood that fateful treehouse in that beautiful lavender farm. And on the balcony stood the Devil,ever gorgeous as the fallen angel he was. And staring right at her. As if he could see the indecision in her eyes from all these yards away and willing her with his eyes to let go of her inhibitions and surrender. Surrender to the Devil himself. So he could destroy her life once again. Like the first time wasn’t enough. Like losing her parents didn’t satisfy his need for revenge. Like making her a distrusting cynic didn’t dim the embers of the fire that burned in his heart all those years ago, even a little bit. Like turning her against the perfect life she could have had didn’t even register in his mind. Or maybe she had been the one in the wrong. Maybe it was she who had misjudged the situation;got it all wrong. Maybe his motive had never been destroying her life. Maybe it was destroying her. All he needed was her accepting defeat. If she surrendered, he could snap her neck with a flick of his pinky. That’s how he worked. Surrender,and die. Like hell. She would never!She turned to run back but before she moved even a step,she felt his breath on her cheek. “Play time over,sweetie”, were the last words she heard before he destroyed her for good.