Ghosts blew through the deserted corridors of his soul like gusts of cold wind. His eyes. It looked like nothing resided in those icy blue globes. But for a fleeting second I saw whole universe swimming in there. Then the shutters dropped as if it never was. That half-grin of his was just that –a wry twist of his lips, trying to hide the real beauty behind it. It was nothing like his real smile. That was a breathtaking sight. When he smiled, people stopped and stared. But he didn’t do it often. No. It was as if he was afraid of smiling; as if the reason behind it would be taken away from him if he showed even a sign that he was a normal, lovable person. He acted like an emotionless, ice-hearted asshole who only did what he wanted to without giving a shit about anyone. But, I saw the truth. I saw that he was a guy with heart of gold and most colorful mind.
As she obsessively traced the checkered print of black and red on her bedsheets, the smell wafting off of the pillow, musky and wild, she was transported back to the time when his laughter had soothed all her wounds and he was all the painkillers she needed; before he broke her soul into a thousand little pieces, and cramped a handful into his jeans pocket as he walked out the door.
She told me she would die for me. She told me she loved me like a sister. She told me we would be best friends forever. She told me we were girl friend Soulmates. She told me we had a special bond. She told me I understood her like no other. She told me we would get cute,little cottages side by side,facing a sea. She told me we would marry the same day,in the same temple. She told me we would have a handsome boy and a pretty girl we would someday call our own. She told me we would have a cute, little dog. She told me we would have a happy ending. She told me there’s a silver lining. She told me there was light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel. She told me there was a supreme power called God. She told me there was something known as faith. She told me there was peace. She told me it’s serene. She told me there was justice. She told me there’s passion. She told me it burns. She told me there’s bliss. She told me there’s truth. She told me it’s ecstatic. She told me it’s death quiet. She told me there’s silence. Was all this a lie? Was she lying all the time? Was it all burning flames? Was all this a trap? Was all this just a means to an end? Was it all “telling lies”?Was it? Was it? Was it?
He was my high. He was my life. He made me feel drunk on life. With him at my side, I felt unconquerable. I was indestructible. Nothing could touch me. Nobody could harm me. He would protect me. He would stand in harm’s way before he let anything happen to me. He adored the hell outta me. Ah,the illusions! Beautiful, deceiving illusions. I had this thought inside my head for as long as I have had my senses:When he was there, not even Satan could touch me. The moment he left, it would all fall apart. And fall apart, it did. Atleast half my theory turned out to be true. The wry smile twisted my full lips. How I had loved to kid myself all these years. Running away from the sick reality that has always been my life. It was a front. He,like every other freaking person,was using me. I was just a pawn in the sick,twisted game of chess he had been playing all along with his opponent as life. A bug under his feet. He disgusts me now!Even the thought of him makes me wanna retch. I throw up a little in my mouth whenever I think about the stupid, naïve, good for nothing wench I had always been when he was around. I was so trusting, then!Not now. Not anymore! I won’t let another little girl live her life under such illusions. I am going to dedicate my life towards outing all the bloody jerks so another innocent heart never gets crushed under the boot of a classic manipulator. I will bring this soul-crushing reality to the notice of all who are living this fake happily-ever-after they assume to be their life. I will see to it,even if it’s the last thing I do.
P getting excited about Mrs.S’s cookies made a helluva lot more sense now. He always took some home to the boys and his baby sister now that she had teeth. He had this life, too. But he had us. This gorgeous girl didn’t have anyone. She hadn’t had anyone. She did now. “We both like cereal. She won’t admit it, but sugar flakes are her favorite. They’re mine, too,but I lie and eat the cinnamon squares and leave the flakes for her. I know she likes them best.” I was wrong. She had K. She had her brother.
The lethal but beautiful cocktail of the swirling emotions,delicious scents and the swoonworthy softness of my blank mind floating in the innocent, fluffy clouds was enough to screw me over. I had no recollection of how I came to be here. None,whatsoever. But if I wasn’t frigging delighted to have come across this utopic blend! I had always craved such bizarre,yet satisfying concoctions. But this is the first time I have actually achieved the high I have been craving for heaven knows how long. This makes the pain bearable. It makes this shit of a life seem not so bad. It makes the idea of living without ever seeing his face again, not hearing his cracking deep voice ever,not being able to envelope him in the warmth of my arms, cross my mind without me trying to tear the brown tangled mess straight out of my skull. It makes everything around me seem surreal and everything that goes inside my head seem like a distant memory of the ugly past I want to forget. I want to forget. All of this. Everything. They say that the happy memories are all that matter. I say, bullshit!The memories, good and bad,go hand in hand. With happiness comes pain. And I am not ready to face it. Not yet. The pain’s still too raw. I am still getting used to it. But maybe it’s all just a shitload of crappy excuses. Maybe this pain would never fade away. Maybe it would always be there,making breathing difficult like a thorn in my chest. Maybe I would never be whole again. I would always be an addict,my addiction being the messed up “cocktail” I crave. Like a junkie looking for his next hit,I start moving on unsteady legs. I cannot live like this. I wanna be high on life like I always had been before. I want to let go of all my inhibitions and let loose. I wanna get away,inside my head where nothing resembling pain exists and I am a happy woman without a phantom son to bind me to reality.
The moment she looked up,she was lost. She never expected to get here. In the distance stood that fateful treehouse in that beautiful lavender farm. And on the balcony stood the Devil,ever gorgeous as the fallen angel he was. And staring right at her. As if he could see the indecision in her eyes from all these yards away and willing her with his eyes to let go of her inhibitions and surrender. Surrender to the Devil himself. So he could destroy her life once again. Like the first time wasn’t enough. Like losing her parents didn’t satisfy his need for revenge. Like making her a distrusting cynic didn’t dim the embers of the fire that burned in his heart all those years ago, even a little bit. Like turning her against the perfect life she could have had didn’t even register in his mind. Or maybe she had been the one in the wrong. Maybe it was she who had misjudged the situation;got it all wrong. Maybe his motive had never been destroying her life. Maybe it was destroying her. All he needed was her accepting defeat. If she surrendered, he could snap her neck with a flick of his pinky. That’s how he worked. Surrender,and die. Like hell. She would never!She turned to run back but before she moved even a step,she felt his breath on her cheek. “Play time over,sweetie”, were the last words she heard before he destroyed her for good.
Umm,lemme warn you. This story is kinda weird. I mean,I have never read a story with such a weird theme,ever. But…I dunno where this came from. Seriously. Okay,read it if you want to. And tell me what you make of it. I don’t generally ask you what you make of the stuff I write,but this “story” calls for it,you see. I NEED you people to tell me what you think about this.
White light. White sound. White surroundings. White everything. Not even a splash of color. Except the eyes:Golden, silver, turquoise, emerald, topaz, onyx, obsidian…you name it. It was disconcerting to say the least. I couldn’t make sense of it all. What was this place? What was I doing here? In this…unusual place? Am I deaming? I must be. Such places only exist in fantasyland. I couldn’t recall anything from my past. Nothing. Everywhere I looked, all I could see was the swirling irises in stark white. I wasn’t alone, no. There where so many people around. So many, I couldn’t even begin to count. But they all looked like shell of a person. Not moving. Not breathing. Looking through me,instead of at me. I realised suddenly that I was wearing those bland robes like everybody else and I was… WHAAA? I was stuck to the ground just like them. And my limbs were slowly freezing like them, too. Nooooo. I started thrashing. I used all of my strength to get my feet to move. I don’t know for how long I struggled. It could be seconds, minutes, hours…I don’t know. Suddenly I realised that I wasn’t the only one moving. Every single, umm,person was trying to disengage their bodies. And their eyes! They were looking at me as if they wanted to devour me. Like I was some treat they hated but couldn’t stop themselves from getting to and, well,eating. Like they hated the thought of me being the only one who wanted to get away because they couldn’t, but still wouldn’t mind having me as a meal. Oh God! I won’t be a meal to these abominations. I increased my effort to get free many-fold. I had to get away. AT ANY COST. Suddenly I felt the invisible bonds giving away. I tried harder and I was free finally. I looked up and realised that they were, too. Noooooooo. They were converging on me real fast. Shit! I tried to run. They caught me. I felt faint. Nothing made sense. I, the sensible one, couldn’t save myself. The last thing I saw before succumbing to darkness was the swirling irises.
The humming continued. He turned the corner and started walking towards the sound. It was coming from the abandoned parking lot. He stopped just outside the entrance and looked around. The place was as barren as a bird’s nest after the storm has hit. He tried to look inside and get some clue as to what was happening inside. He couldn’t see a damn thing. Those night vision goggles would come in handy right now. He didn’t have any. What luck! He gathered courage and decided it was now or never. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. And then started walking. The place looked like something out of a bad action film with abandoned broken cars and the still air. There wasn’t another sound he could hear except for his fast breathing and the formidable humming. He had to, had to locate it. They were coming. For him. For it. They needed it for some mob business. He didn’t know what he was looking for, exactly. Except for the fact that it hummed like nobody’s business. To him, atleast. Nobody else seemed to hear it. It was as if his ears were attuned to the sounds of doom. He had to find it because not finding it wasn’t an option. He had already lost his wife. He couldn’t bear to lose his baby girl,too. He wouldn’t be able to live. They had her. Those monsters_mobsters_had her. As a hostage. Who did that? She was a kid, for god’s sake. He refused to lose her. He started following the sound with a new found determination. Navigating through the rows and rows of cars parked, he suddenly stopped. The humming had grown. It sounded like it was just a few yards away. He started towards a dark SUV that stood out among the kiddo cars. It looked undamaged and had a light shining from inside. He approached it and looked inside. The first thing he saw was a bundle. A bundle that looked like just big enough to be a baby. The blanket the baby was wrapped in looked familiar. Something about the birds…WHAAA?That was HIS baby. His. He jerked the handle of the door, trying to get to her. She seemed to be unmoving. The door seemed to be locked. He tried and tried but to no avail. No no no no no. How was she here? Why had they left her here? Suddenly the humming turned up several notches. It sounded familiar now. Like a timer of a…and the pieces clicked into place like a puzzle a second before the car went up in flames burning him to the bones. He had been set up. He wasn’t supposed to find anything for them. He was supposed to find them. Or their token. He was supposed to die. He cried for his baby who burned in front of him. He cried because he couldn’t move to go to her. He cried for everything lost. He cried for all the lives he had destroyed while working for them. Suddenly breathing became even more difficult. He started gasping just as the car next to him went up in flames destroying all the evidence. Of his existence. Of him.
I am a mess. An irrevocable one. Irreparable. I am a mess because of the non-choices choices I have made. The decisions I have taken. The final answers I have given. I am this way because I am deemed to be.I am so because I have caused to be so.I am a mess. A broken one. I am not the broken beautiful from the fiction I so love to read. I am an ugly heap of the person I used to be. In the past. My past. I was beautiful then.A mess,regardless. But a beautiful one. The fictional kind. The fairytale kind. The storybook life I seemed to have back then is stuff of nightmares now. Choking me. Choking the life out of me. The stuffy feeling does not go away. Why doesn’t it go away?!People were jealous back then. They pity me now.I am pitiful.I should be burned in hell.I should be buried six feet under. I am damaged goods.I am damaged. I am irreparable. I can not be redeemed. I am a mess. An ugly mess.