Emotions

Only ever you.

Source: Pinterest

It took me months to let you go.

After the last love poem you ever wrote for me, I tried to find the same ethereal beauty in writings of others. They were beautiful. But they weren’t yours. Nobody could write poems like you do. Only ever you.

After the last fight we had, you called me names, I whined and whined, I tried to find the words that would call me silly and still tell me they love me for who I am. No words were the perfect balance of “You are stupid” and “You have a beautiful smile”. Only ever you.

After the final good byes, filled with remorse and tears spilling all over, I tried to find the same hey, beautiful in every greeting, in every hello. None of the words seemed sincere enough. None of them yours. Only ever you.

After the last text you ever sent, I tried to find your mark on everything. I stalked you on your social media accounts, I stalked the kind of music you listen to, I stalked all the words you ever said. It wasn’t you. Only a memory of you. Only ever you.

After the last time I typed your name in the search box and had my fill of your name all over the cursed screen, I thought of texting you once again. Maybe we could make do. Maybe we could work out. I had been too adamant in my refusal to accept you. You had been too insistent our time is now. Maybe you were right. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have listened to you. Only ever you.

After thinking of you for months and months, I suddenly realised I had no more tears left to cry, I had no understanding of poetic words anymore, I found no joy in lovely hellos these days, you haven’t posted on any of your pages in months now, and I knew I was right afterall. This was my wake up call. You had been special, and I had loved you for who I thought you were. Only ever you.

But you weren’t a match for what my mind had conjured over time. Not in the least. You were a figment of my imagination. And, like everything imaginary, it hurt to let you go. You were mine. And, you were beautiful. But you weren’t real.

Those poems were oversent, those hellos overused, those compliments generic, the memories of you meddled with by my need to hold on to the perfection of you a little while longer, and your exclamations of us belonging together as untrue as they come.

It became easier to take a deep breath and it became easier to let you go.

We weren’t meant to be afterall.

18 thoughts on “Only ever you.

    1. It must be. I haven’t been through this and I wanted to stop a number of times in the minutes it took me to write this. The acceptance must not come easy. Especially the final line.:’)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Really? It doesn’t seem like it, feelings are so aptly described.
        Or maybe empathy is more than enough to understand that feeling.

        Acceptance doesn’t come easy, more hard it when it’s not mutual. And if it does come easy then it wasn’t true.

        In the end, life goes on… 🌌

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I guess I have a very vivid imagination. All the posts about heartbreak I have been writing these last few days. How do you think they came to be?:”)

        I can only imagine. Accepting you aren’t supposed to be with someone you had once planned out your entire life with must be so damn difficult.

        That it does.:’)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You do have vivid imagination. I felt those posts were for real.
        You tell me, how do they came to be? :’p

        Don’t know, even that can be important turn in life. You grow out of it. And end up with someone more deserving. Also does company matter? How about going it alone?

        “We are stronger in places we’ve been broken”, says Ernst Hemingway

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Books, man. Books. Reading about heartache made me write about it. For the idea of the feeling, I got the premise in books. After that it was just putting words together.:’)

        Aye. I am a champion of going about it alone. So, yay. But most people need somebody to rely on, somebody to hold on to. A friend told me people are her obsession, when the topic came up yesterday. She said she’s afraid of being left alone. She wants people around. And, she’s one of many. So many people feel lonely on a minutely basis. We don’t even understand most of it.

        That’s a beautiful, beautiful string of words. And, the truth, too. 🎈

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Ohh, now I get. 😇 *I was just messing around, that was just rhetorical question*
        Books can give us the insights without going through it. :)p
        You are really champion. Its great when you master it, it’s kinda liberating.
        Yes most need company but I think we need to overcome our need to be loved in order to focus on what’s really important. But it ain’t that easy. I try it too, but after a while I snap and recoil to old being. This goes on. Being alone is tough job.
        It is beautiful ❄

        Liked by 1 person

      6. :”)

        Hahaha I just meant I am pro-making it on your own and all that.*hides face*
        But, well.

        Sigh it’s tough. But rewarding in the end. Loving yourself is the most beautiful thing. The way we are attuned to our love interest’s needs, if we are attuned to our own, we will be the happiest people around.✨

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I often forget what we were talking about in your case. You reply from full moon to new moon…..
        yup its rewarding.
        In case of falling for someone else, you pay high price for little luxuries. When the beautiful period is over, you feel like you’re being made to pay for something that you never bought.
        I remember a line from Kendrick Lamar song All the stars,
        ‘Better live your life
        we are running out of time’
        So enjoy the weekend! 🌌💫

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Hahahah I know. I confuse myself, too.

        Exactly. We don’t want to remember the good times when we are in pain. We want to wallow in more pain. And, that turns to anger then. We become angry because “we never wanted any of it in the first place”. But that’s what makes acceptance so beautiful. When we accept it all, we become free to live.

        Wow. That’s amazing. I gotta listen to Kendrick more. He knows what he is talking about.:’)

        You, too, V.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Silence is what feel after reading this post. Acceptance takes time. It does. Because most of the time we are quite satisfied with the twisted reflection that makes our wring and we feel sorry for ourselves. But once we are able to accept the truth, it’s when we won’t have any questions to ask or any answers to seek.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. True, true.
      Acceptance must be difficult. But it’s liberating in ways you never were liberated before. Because you experienced the worst that could happen, the shattering of a dream of forever, and you were a victor.:’)

      Like

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