The lethal but beautiful cocktail of the swirling emotions,delicious scents and the swoonworthy softness of my blank mind floating in the innocent, fluffy clouds was enough to screw me over. I had no recollection of how I came to be here. None,whatsoever. But if I wasn’t frigging delighted to have come across this utopic blend! I had always craved such bizarre,yet satisfying concoctions. But this is the first time I have actually achieved the high I have been craving for heaven knows how long. This makes the pain bearable. It makes this shit of a life seem not so bad. It makes the idea of living without ever seeing his face again, not hearing his cracking deep voice ever,not being able to envelope him in the warmth of my arms, cross my mind without me trying to tear the brown tangled mess straight out of my skull. It makes everything around me seem surreal and everything that goes inside my head seem like a distant memory of the ugly past I want to forget. I want to forget. All of this. Everything. They say that the happy memories are all that matter. I say, bullshit!The memories, good and bad,go hand in hand. With happiness comes pain. And I am not ready to face it. Not yet. The pain’s still too raw. I am still getting used to it. But maybe it’s all just a shitload of crappy excuses. Maybe this pain would never fade away. Maybe it would always be there,making breathing difficult like a thorn in my chest. Maybe I would never be whole again. I would always be an addict,my addiction being the messed up “cocktail” I crave. Like a junkie looking for his next hit,I start moving on unsteady legs. I cannot live like this. I wanna be high on life like I always had been before. I want to let go of all my inhibitions and let loose. I wanna get away,inside my head where nothing resembling pain exists and I am a happy woman without a phantom son to bind me to reality.